Losing Another Parent

Well I have not blogged in a bit and now I come to blog with a heavy heart.  You see I lost my stepdad 3 years ago August 3 to cancer at the age of 56.  Later that same year my biological dad had a heart attack and he has had many medical issues since that time.  He really got worse this year when he started requiring dialysis and in June he also had pulmonary failure.  He had to get a breathing tube and we thought he would not make it then.  I gathered up every little bit of my disability and some friends and family donated to the cause and my mom with me I flew out to Vegas to see him.  He was not able to talk from the tube and being so sedated much of the time.  They wanted to pull the plug on him then but he was aware enough to state that was not what he wanted.  After our eight night stay he had a trach put in the day after we flew back.  He has since been transferred to a short stay hospital and that time is coming near as it only allows four weeks to stay.  Well it looks like his lungs are so bad he will never be able to come off of the ventilator.  They are wanting to put him into hospice and they will then want to turn off ventilator and stop his dialysis having him pass.  I understand this and knew it was coming but being so far away and not being there is killing me.  I had a long talk with myself tonight and I have to come to terms with the fact that I did see him in June and I knew this was coming so I have to just stay here and take care of my life here.  I cannot do anything for him now and I said what I had to say while I was there.  I really want to be there but sadly it is just not possible right now.  I pray for my stepmom as she has nobody out there for support or anything.  It is just her and that is it.  They moved out there in 1998 and it has just been them.  My heart is heavy and I will be sad for a while and probably always feel some guilt over not being there but it is what it is.