Today Was So Not A Fairytale

So today I started my day off with back pain and a bad attitude.  I took my Thrive and took a hot shower which helped the back pain but unfortunately not the bad attitude.  I let my anxiety get the best of me.  I did not practice what I preach by affirming my day.  I let the stress and anxiety in my life and my job bring my spirit down. I worried about what the busy day would bring and thought about things that could go wrong.  I thought of what it would be like to not have to work anymore or at least to work only one job.  I let that interfere with my morning and daily ritual.  I did NOT tell myself how the day was going to be great and how all my customers and coworkers would be great.  I got in the car with my attitude, turned on my Taylor Swift music and tuned it out with my negative thoughts!  I fought through the day trying to put on a fake smile and pretend my way out of it.  I am pretty sure those who knew me some would have known I was being a fake.  I guess we all have those days but I am disappointed in myself for letting my spirit be brought down that way.

One thing today did help me bring my spirit back into focus and I remembered why I like working with the public again.  I had a couple of people who I had greeted at the door when I was up there grabbing a scanning gun.  They ended up back in my department.  The little lady with her handheld walker ended up being 88 and was shopping with her son for a new computer.  She wanted one that would last her 5 more years like her last until she was the age of 93.  I snapped out of my fog and remembered how much I liked helping people.  There she was at her age shopping for a computer so she could get on the internet and communicate and print her greeting cards like she enjoys doing.  That is why I am there.  To make people like her smile.  Although I still was just ready to end my sub par day at work I was able to do what I needed to do and be who I am meant to be and who I like to be.

My anxiety is an everyday struggle.  I question every thing I do.  I think about what I did or said or what I may do or say wrong.  I criticize my every move and word.  I let things people have said about me in the past ring in my head over and over like a record on repeat.  I allow myself to believe that I am or may be some or all of those things.  I let myself wonder if people still think those things about me or worse.  Every single day I try to muddle through my anxiety and self doubt.  Some days I get by really well, others I barely skate by and still others are like today when I feel like crawling up in a ball somewhere.  The struggle is so real.  I vow every day to try to be who I am meant to be and who I know I can be and that is all any of us can do.