I have been trying and in fact yearning to write this blog for about a week now and I am just taking the time to do it for my own sanity. I have clothes that need washing, gifts that need wrapped, an office that needs cleaned and more. I have to leave for my son's basketball tournament 45 minutes away in about an hour. Those chores will just have to wait for now. I may end up staying up way too late but they will get done. Right now I focus on me and my sanity and getting out my thoughts and feelings. I sit here in the office at our desktop computer listening to some of my unwind and relax songs such as "Old Blue Chair" by my Kenny Chesney while throwing in some Christmas with some "Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton. I hope to find some of my sanity while I sit and write this while drinking some water and my Thrive smoothie with Boost. You see I am lost! I do not know who I am right now or maybe it is just that I don't like who I am. I am obviously going through some type of breakdown or mental issue. I continuously blame it on my forced surgical menopause and well that may very well be a huge part of it.
Let's go through my year. Early this year I was still going through the motions of dealing with sciatica (pain radiating from above my butt down my leg to my foot) which caused me to become disabled last November after being the driver in a wreck where a rude little man ran a red light causing us to T-bone him. I was on disability and in January was terminated due to my medical leave running out on me. I have a lawyer and I have undergone chiropractic care, pain management with injections x 3, more injections in my SI joint, etc. I cannot sit for long periods of time so my job as a medical transcriptionist working at home where 100% of my job was sitting typing and running a foot pedal so I had to say goodbye to that after 10 years of doing it from home and another 2 doing it at a hospital or clinic. It was a huge part of my identify. That industry is dying and the pay has gotten terrible with no raises ever or anything but it was still how I supported myself and my son. I was Michelle, the work from home mom and medical transcriptionist. Well not anymore!
In February I had a total robotic hysterectomy due to continued issues with pain from endometriosis and fibroid cysts. I was just ready to stop the pain and feel better. I was a mess because knowing that I would not have my woman parts anymore and the finality of it all was emotionally hard for me. I had always wanted a family and to be a mom. I am lucky I know in that I have my son Dylan and I have 3 kids that I claim as my stepkids as they are my boyfriend's kids but still this was not what I pictured in losing my womanhood at the age of 39. Not to mention I was still dealing with the side effects from having my gallbladder taken out at the end of last year.
In March or so Dave and I moved into a new bigger house which was a great move but it happened suddenly for reasons I would rather forget. It was still stressful. The good point of that is we now rent a home that used to belong to my great aunt and uncle so I feel a weird connection to it.
Bring on April when I turned 40. Yes...my woman parts are gone, I am still dealing with pain from my sciatica, I lost my job and career, and more. I am still trudging on but slowly I am getting so tired, so unmotivated, and so depressed.
As the summer came on I just felt like I could not get up and get moving. I could not find the energy to do housework, plan anything with my son, or doing anything but sleep and lay around watching TV claiming and becoming a blob.
Around May and June I had been trying to figure out some type of product to help me out of my funk. I did finally find a product that agreed with me and gave me great energy, helped with my joint discomfort, etc. Well as I was readying to purchase and buy in as a promoter I got word my dad was in the hospital dying. I was devasted. He had been dealing with health issues off and on but hearing that rocked my world. I awaited my disability check and asked for help from friends to afford the flight and stay out there to Vegas. I spent 8 days there with him. It was an emotional rollercoaster because the doctors were ready to pull the plug on him but he was not ready. He could not talk for the tube being in but he knew who I was and everything. I tried to tell him I loved him. He was still alive when I left there in the beginning of July with my mom who went with me for support. I left on that plane knowing that would most likely be the last time I would ever see him. I had already lost my stepdad three years ago to cancer. I hated leaving my stepmom there all alone. My dad passed away in August after a few ups and downs. I know that he is in a better place but it doesn't seem quite fair that I had two dads and lost them both at such young ages. I dealt with his death as best I could but right now as the holidays are here it makes it a little tougher knowing I will never talk to him on the phone or get on Yahoo messenger and video chat with him.
My son did get to come and change schools over where we live like we wanted but her alternates between one week at dad's and one here. Well he is here mostly which is fine. I love my son but he is an ungrateful, unappreciative irresponsible teenager deluxe. He has my anxiety mixed with his dad's anger and it is not always fun. Sometimes in fact I want to cry or do cry. Where is my little man who worshiped me? I know he is in there somewhere and I see glimpses of him from time to time. I know I am responsible for some of his spoiledness but sometimes it is just too much to bear. Do not ever mistake me that I love that boy more than anything on this earth. I just occasionally feel like the dad in "Sex Tape" when he says that sometimes there son is kind of a dick. I feel that way sometimes. Call me an awful mom or whatever but sometimes he just is. If the world does not revolve around him or he does not get whatever it is he wanted he morphs into someone else. This is really hard for me. For so many years it was just he and I. I was a single mom (yes he saw his dad but you know what I mean) raising him full time. I was the mom at pretty much every game, working in the car while at practice, trying out boyscouts, at the school programs, etc. He tries to manipulate me and even has tried to make me feel awful for missing one of his basketball games in a tournament and made a HUGE deal out of it. One of his friends said they knew I went to almost all games as they always see me taking pictures. Another told him to be lucky as his parents after three years had just started going to his games. All of that goes right over his head. I ask him to do chores and then again ask him to do three things, two of which are putting up his own things, and he states that he did chores yesterday. Well I guess then I only have to feed him, take him up to feed his goat, wash his clothes, fix his lunch, etc since I just did that yesterday. "You are the mom that is your job". Well needless to say I went off on him in front of his friends. I really have been in a great mood until the last few weeks. I think I am just stressed out and maybe my hormonal menopausal crap on top of the holiday stress has me at my wits end. I feel on edge. I feel like I could snap at any moment sometimes. Last night after my girl's night out Christmas gathering I had enjoyed myself so much but my son had already been texting me (he values his time with friends but apparently does not value my time with my friends) I just sat in the driveway for a while. I found myself not wanting to go in. I wanted to back out and just leave. My stress level is so high. My boyfriend who I love so much has been working alot and I appreciate that as he takes care of us but it has had me dealing with everything from his ex and kids to groceries to Christmas shopping to bills, etc. I usually do all of that but I took a part time job at Best Buy which I have really enjoyed as it has been my escape from my housewife and wahm life but with that and the added stress of Christmas I think it has tipped my sanity scale. If I can get through the next two weeks I hope my stress and anxiety will even out for me.
Okay I have spent so much time on this I now have to get ready for the basketball game (even thought I just don't support my son, eyes rolling here). My boyfriend's three boys are driving up tomorrow to spend some time with us so I have to get things ready for them, get ready to work in the morning, Christmas shop tomorrow, go to basketball again, stock show for my son Saturday and so on. I think I need triple Thrive in my life right now. Honestly, I think if it were not for Thrive I would be a bigger mess still. The people at work just think I am so happy. I really am. I Thrive up, put on my customer service face and go. I used to work retail and be a manager so I know how to fake it and get my job done. My customers should not suffer because I am a beautiful, hot mess!
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